Restart
by Tsuki the Wolf
Summary: You have a tough time adjusting to Saeran in your life, torn between your love of Saeyoung and your fear of Saeran. The brothers, you realize, have more in common than you had previously thought, though. (Direct sequel to Trade Mistakes. Reset Story)


**A/N: A continuation of where Trade Mistakes left off because we never really got to see your feelings for Saeran now that he was a prominent person in your life.**

 **I have plans for two more stories for this series:  
1\. A what-if where time reset again despite everything. From Saeyoung's pov.  
2\. A couple of your memories with your past loves, season by season.**

* * *

The first time you met Saeran again, you couldn't tell what you were feeling. There was the thick miasma of terror that coated the inside of your ribcage and threatened to seep into your mind, but your thoughts were too numb for the terror to penetrate. You had gone through so much over the timelines that looking at Saeran now, you couldn't be too scared of him. The leftover feeling of terror you were sure was your trauma. Maybe you had started unconsciously repressing those memories for the sake of your own sanity. You didn't know. You hoped that you forgot what had happened in the past timeline much like you had forgotten most of your past timelines.

Saeran looked like Saeyoung now, which you were sure helped out with easing you while meeting him. His hair was the same vibrant red as Saeyoung's, and because of that you were finally able to see just how similar to two brothers really were. You recalled that Saeran in his youth had Saeyoung's same golden eyes as well, but it appeared that he wore color-changing contacts now. His mint green eyes regarded you with an exhaustion and tentativeness that you knew was soul deep. You related to that.

You could already tell the difference between the Saeran who had been part of Mint Eye, and the Saeran who had somewhat-reluctantly joined the RFA. This new Saeran was reserved and barely talked. He held himself in a manner that reminded you of a beaten dog. When he looked at you, he either tended to stare or avoid your eyes. He didn't attempt to talk to you.

Saeyoung, on the other hand, encouraged Saeran to chat. You could tell he was trying to keep a conversation going between the three of you, although only the two of you were really talking. Saeran looked like he would rather be in his room, and Saeyoung's smile would stiffen a bit whenever things fell too silent. You wondered how much it hurt him to see his brother so different. For his sake, you tried your best to become friends with Saeran.

"I'm sorry." Saeyoung whispered to you one night as you two sat on his bed. He rested back against your chest as you carefully attempted to braid his hair. It wasn't working out well, but you liked seeing the goosebumps that prickled with pleasure across his arms.

"For?" You asked him.

"Pushing you to get along with Saeran. It's just . . . you know how much he means to me. But at the same time, he . . ." He didn't have to finish what he wanted to say. You both knew perfectly well what Saeran had done to you. "Just make sure you tell me if it becomes too much, please?"

You tugged a bit on his hair before planting a lingering kiss on the crown of his head. "It's not too much." You reassured him. "But if it ever does, then you'll be the first to know."

Saeyoung twisted in your lap, his tiny braid swinging against his face before unravelling, and kissed you. You cupped his cheeks and sighed against his lips as he tenderly deepened the kiss. Heat suffused your body slowly as it built in momentum, but neither of you quite reached that level of intimacy as he pulled back. "Thank you." He murmured. "For doing this for me, I mean."

You smiled. "It's no trouble. Let's make our happy ending even happier."

Saeyoung pressed hot open-mouthed kisses to your jaw all the way to your ear. Arousal curled in your abdomen as he sighed breathily and said quietly, "That sounds great. I'm thinking of a different ending, though."

You laughed and wrapped your arms loosely around his neck as one of his hands slipped up your shirt. "You can have that too if you want it."

"Oh good. As long as I have the good lady's permission . . .!"

"Quit being a tease and take your boxers off already. They offend me."

Saeyoung gasped and looked down at his space-themed cat underwear. "No way~! Now _I'm_ offended at your offense!" He accused.

You laughed harder this time and fisted the legs of his boxers. "Okay I lied. They're adorable. But _kind of_ in the way."

"Not if I plan to do this!" He yanked your legs, and you gasped as you were suddenly flattened to the bed. His grin was wicked as he threw your legs over his shoulders and lifted your hips so he could duck between them. After that, most conversation was lost to you.

* * *

You were over often enough over the next few days that you had plenty of time to really get to know Saeran. You noticed that he talked a bit more when asked direct questions that he couldn't exactly shrug at. He became a bit more comfortable with your presence, although he still didn't linger if he could help it. If the two of you were ever left alone, one or both of you would subtly flee the room. Immediately afterwards you would feel guilty. You should be attempting to become closer to him . . . and yet the very thought of being alone with him sent your stomach into twisting knots and terror skittering across your spine and shoulders. You felt as if death loomed over your shoulders being alone with Saeran. You considered yourself to be fairly brave after everything you had gone through in your timelines, but even you had your limits.

You were torn between what you wanted to do, and what your fear dictated. Almost unconsciously you began to hesitate in deciding to go to Saeyoung's house. You yearned to be with him, but the thought of meeting Saeran scared you. You hated yourself. More often than not you found yourself curling up in the corner of your apartment and sobbing into your knees, your mind ripping between your guilt over your feelings and your righteous anger. You wanted relief.

Saeyoung at least seemed to understand this much, even if you could see his own pain he tried to hide behind smiles. You were hurting him in your reluctance, but he had agreed to let you pull away if you so wished. He wouldn't push you. It was despicable on your part.

"I love you." You assured him one night at the edge of the subway platform. You hugged him tightly to you and buried your face into the scarf he wore around his neck. "I really really really do, Saeyoung."

"I know." He hugged you back, ignoring any sidelong looks you two may receive for the public display. "I'm not upset or anything~" His voice was lighthearted although you didn't doubt he could feel the way your body was trembling. You didn't want to go home alone again. But you also couldn't stand the thought of staying at his house tonight. You were scared of having a breakdown.

"I'm sorry, though." You said. It was muffled and the chatter around you may have covered up your words. Saeyoung only held you a bit tighter.

"It's hard." He whispered to you. "I know how hard it is. I really, truly do. I hope that . . . I hope that you and Saeran can get along one day . . . but I also know reality isn't that easy."

"I'm hurting you again." You whimpered.

"I'm only-" He cut himself off and swallowed thickly before pressing a kiss to your hair. You didn't know if he couldn't look at you, or if you couldn't look at him at the moment, "I'm only frustrated that I can't be there for both of you." He confessed. "I want to. I _really_ want to! But . . ." He cursed and murmured your name, unable to voice his distress.

You understood that too. Something resolved in you at the sound of his own frustrations with himself. You wanted Saeyoung to be happy. He couldn't suffer with your pain. You could. You were used to handling it on your own. You could suck it up. "I won't make you choose between us." You told him and gently pulled away. Your eyes and nose felt hot even as you smiled. Your chest ached at his confused pain in his eyes that he was quickly attempting to hide. "Saeran needs you, so be there for him, okay? I'll be alright."

Saeyoung's face did something you didn't expect, though. His eyes got darker and an angry frown pulled at his lips. "No. Stop that! Stop doing that to yourself!"

You reared back, startled by his anger. "Saeyoung?"

He grabbed your shoulders and held them tightly, blinking and shaking his head. "You keep doing this. I've seen it time and again in the other timelines! I can't stand to see it again!"

Now you were just baffled. "What are you talking about?"

Saeyoung huffed a laugh and ran a hand anxiously through his fringe. "Oh my God. You don't even know what I'm referring to, do you? Do you even remember?" Your eyebrows only pulled further together on your face. His anger left him in a rush as he turned and paced two steps and walked back to you before spinning to face you. "You always try to keep it in." He told you finally, his voice soft but stern. "I've watched you with the others before. That same pain I've seen on your face in the past slips across your face even now. I didn't know completely what it was back then, but I do now. You're holding yourself back. You think you're protecting others. That's what you're doing now, right? Trying to think the best for me?"

You opened your mouth, but couldn't respond. He pressed on, a derisive grin on his face.

"Look at my hypocritical ass getting on you about this . . . but I'm serious. You've taught me to rely on others. You can _rely on me_ , babe. I'm so deadly 100% serious. I may complain that it's hard to be there for you and my brother, but I can do it. I _want_ to do it!" Saeyoung stepped in closer to you until it seemed as if he towered over you. Rather than feeling threatened, however, you felt like you were staring at a beautiful guardian of yours. Your mind thought back to when you had seen Saeyoung when you had been drugged up. You recalled how you thought him to be an angel. "You couldn't rely on the others because they didn't understand. But I do. You're not alone anymore." He took your hand. "Call me if you need me." He grinned, his voice transforming into that silly 707 that you loved dearly, "Due to your upgrade in your subscription of Defender 707 to 'Saeyoung' status, your chance of the Defender 707 appearing if you call his name into the night has increased to a whopping 98.45%!"

You had to laugh, gripping his hand tightly in yours as your subway number was called. Your ride would be here any moment. "Okay! I'll try it out sometime soon then!"

"Good girl! I'm looking forward to it!" He kissed you briefly on the lips before nodding at the train pulling up. "Let me know when you get home, alright? If not, I'll have to track you by camera~"

"Be more creepy. It's such a turn on~" You teased back, kissing in his direction as you turned away. You felt grounded, but light. Saeyoung's words floated in your chest and mind, but you weren't sure how you would be able to rely on him more. It was . . . difficult to imagine. You had to think about it the entire ride home and then your walk up to your apartment.

He wasn't wrong about you not relying on anybody. But how could you? Your true pain couldn't be expressed. You'd had no choice but to bottle it up so that you could just move forward. How were you supposed to solve the mystery of your horrid power if you couldn't even hold yourself long enough to want to continue? Even now that same hopelessness was buried within you. Even if logically you knew time would not reset any longer, your very soul –weary and paranoid as it was from strike after strike to your heart- waited for the next hit. Thinking about it made you want to lay down and do nothing at all. What would you call this? You didn't know.

It was times like this that you wanted to be with Saeyoung. You wanted to lay beside him and hold his hand, staring at him until you fell asleep. You wondered every now and again if you would wake up and no longer be here anymore. You wondered who you were before all of this had started. Who were "you"? What was that person like? Was she stronger than you? Would Saeyoung have fallen in love with her? Did you want to be her again? You didn't know.

You were so sad.

That night you fell asleep for the first time without your sleeping pills. You dreamt of superheroes and secret agents. Your dreams were filled with terrors and hopes alike. You had a time turner much like you had seen in the _Harry Potter_ universe, but it was wonky and kept acting up on you. Sometimes you would reach out for one of your friends before you moved on again. You saw versions of yourself that you couldn't remember. You recalled having a white cat that had red tips at the end of its fur. It would snub you if you tried to call out to it, but you wanted to heal the horrible scratches that littered its body. You dreamt of Saeyoung sweeping you into his arms and whispering words you couldn't recall, his hand wrapping around the time turner to stop it from spinning. You dreamt of him pressing you against the wall, the heat of your body seeping into yours as his hips rolled against yours. Your linked hands thudded against the wall, knees making a thumping sound before you two were swept away from each other.

You woke up slightly disoriented, more rested than you had been in a while and unsure of why you had awoken. You laid in bed and contemplated the ceiling while you tried to recover the images from your dreams, but they slipped between your fingers like silken threads. You couldn't remember if they had been good dreams or not, but they were tantalizing in their own way. You wanted to continue.

Another knock issued on your door, startling you into more awareness as you sat up quickly. That must have been what had woken you up. A glance at the clock on your phone showed it was far too early for any kind of visitors. You smiled a bit at the sweet message from your boyfriend, though, before you slid out of bed and carefully walked to the door. You peeked out to see who it was and froze at the sight of red hair. You first immediately thought of Saeyoung, but the way the man outside of the door held himself said differently. Your knee-jerk reaction was to pretend you weren't there. Why was Saeran at your house so late? Was it to hurt you? Kill you? Saeyoung had installed a couple of cameras in your house upon your insistence to make you feel safer. But you also knew that he wasn't watching the cameras like he always did.

You took a deep breath even as you felt the beginnings of tremors trying to form under your skin. Soon enough it would transfer to the surface if the anxiety became too much. Saeran wouldn't come over without a reason. You knew that he didn't go much anywhere by himself. He sometimes went outside, Saeyoung told you, but for the most part he stayed home. This was the farthest he would've travelled in close to a month, you thought. But why would he come to you? You didn't know. There was only one way to find out.

Against your fearful judgement, you opened the door and peeked out of it. Saeran's eyes met yours steadily, although you sensed his own hesitation. He glanced down and to the side momentarily before glancing back at you. ". . . Good evening." He finally greeted.

"Hi, Saeran." You said, your voice cautious but higher than usual. Great, you probably sounded weird. "What are you doing here so late?"

"I'm sorry for appearing suddenly. I just . . ." He seemed reluctant to continue talking, shifting uncomfortably onto his other foot. You could see the air puffing out of his lips and nose. It was freezing out, you realized, especially in the dead of night. You hesitated to invite him in, however. "I wished to discuss something with you. I won't be long. Can I . . . Will you let me in?" It sounded like an honest request. It also sounded like he fully expected you to tell him no.

Feeling challenged and filled with the need to _try_ for Saeyoung's sake, you opened the door wider to let Saeran inside. He gave you a brief nod of thanks before you saw his eyes dart around your apartment. From behind he looked enough like Saeyoung to lighten your heart a tiny bit even as it beat a fast staccato in your chest. You clenched the edges of your nightshirt. Saeran must be taking note of the cameras and the way your windows were covered by furniture. The bat you would've used on him back in Rika's apartment sat in full view of the door.

"It's," you cleared your throat, "it's strange for you to visit." You started to get his attention. Saeran stood in full view of the cameras, you realized. The door was to your back. Was he . . . trying to comfort you? Were you that easy to read? Had Saeyoung told him? You were grateful, though.

"You're scared of me." Saeran said instead, watching you closely. He wasn't looking away like he usually did. You tried hard not to shudder, instead clenching the edge of your shirt tighter. You wouldn't let your fear defeat you.

"I'm sorry." You responded automatically, feeling as if you had betrayed the little bit of friendship you had built up with him.

"You don't have to apologize." He retorted quickly, dismissive. "I'm not unaware of how horrible I was. I can't say I'm a lot better now." He paused. "But . . . I'm trying. And I can see you are too."

Your eyebrows furrowed. You still didn't understand why he was here.

"Your fear, though, is unnaturally high for what I've done. You're stronger than that. I've seen you stronger." Saeran stepped back a step, pacing one way and then the other before stopping again. You didn't move. "It seems strange to me. I didn't understand why that man treated you like you were brittle on occasion. There's nothing in your history with signs of abuse, yet you hold yourself as if you expect me to attack you." He looked pointedly at your hands. You couldn't unclench them if you tried. His eyes softened some in understanding, although there was still an air of uncertainty about him.

"It didn't make sense until I overheard you talking with Saeyoung about past timelines." You flinched, shocked. Saeran had overheard you? You had never thought there was anybody around whenever the two of you brought it up. "In the past I'd had dreams . . . of things I had thought were mere ideals. But you two talked about timelines as if they were real. I could recall situations where it was not Saeyoung to save you, but that actor. About times where I had taken you from my brother. About . . . succeeding in what I had always wanted to do." Saeran's voice shook just a bit, squeezing his eyes shut and turning away from you to look around the room.

"I." You stopped yourself from your protest. You weren't a fool enough to think Saeran to be an idiot and insult his mind by implying it. You knew you would be the one to look foolish if you denied his words. "How do you remember?" You breathed instead, still in shock. Nobody else had remembered. _Nobody_. How was it that Saeran did?

"Saeyoung remembers too." Saeran murmured instead. "And he and I . . . we're . . ." You could see how much he didn't want to say his next words, but they seemed to tumble out of him, "we're two halves of the same whole."

Saeyoung had told you that before. He had called Saeran his other half. His dreams that he'd had of his "other half" made more sense in that context. It was surprising that Saeran acknowledged the same feelings, though. "You two can tell what the other feels." You realized. "So it only makes sense that . . . that whatever causes him to remember lets you do so as well."

"I guess." He responded with about as much conviction as you felt. He quickly pressed through your realization and looked back at you again. "You're scared of me," he blurted out, "because I've killed you before. More than once."

You flinched violently at his words, reeling back at the confirmation. Saeran had killed you on more than one occasion. "Don't." You begged quickly. "Don't talk about it. I don't want to remember. I don't want you to trigger anything."

"Fine." He agreed. "It's better anyway." He ran a hand up through his hair. ". . . If it helps . . . I'm sorry."

It didn't help. Not really, at least. It was a sudden bolt of awareness that made you realize that nothing Saeran could ever say would make you forgive him for everything that he had done. He was a hunter that, though twisted by an even worse enemy, had ruined your happiness more than once. You had been merely prey . . . a pawn and a stepping stone for what Saeran had wanted. You couldn't ever forgive him for the pain he had put you and Saeyoung through, even if he hadn't done it in this timeline. His sins were still there. Even if logically you couldn't really blame him, you still couldn't forgive him.

But you didn't tell him this. You knew that he hadn't come here for your forgiveness. Even now you still didn't know why he was here. Him exposing himself to being in on your and Saeyoung's secret did nothing for your relationship. He hadn't even come here to apologize. You didn't know what to say in response to his words.

Your mouth moved without your consent, "Why are you here?" You demanded instead, colder than you had meant.

Saeran's jaw clenched and looked away from you again. He held his arm and curled a bit more in on himself. ". . . Nothing." He finally admitted quietly. "I just . . . I wondered if I would understand more if you knew I remembered."

"I don't." You told him.

For the longest time, neither of you spoke. The air was chilly. You wanted to go back to sleep. You hated seeing Saeran looking like that. You felt no pleasure to see him so exhausted and beaten down. Would Saeyoung be angry at you for speaking like this to his precious brother? You felt no need to baby Saeran, though. You were hurt, and angry, and terrified, and exhausted.

But the anger began to seep from you for the time being. It wouldn't go away fully, you thought, but you were too tired to keep it up. You sighed and said, "I love Saeyoung." Saeran shot you a startled look before reining it in cautiously. "And Saeyoung loves you. But I . . . it's hard for me to be around you. I can't . . . I've been hurt too many times, Saeran. Emotionally . . . physically . . . mentally . . . I'm so tired. My soul hurts. I can barely stand most days it feels like. And Saeyoung seems to be the only one who understands, but you also need him. And he can't take both of our pain onto him."

You were rambling. You didn't understand why you were telling him all of this, but the words dribbled from your mouth, clamoring to be heard, "I want to be strong for him, but he's told me I don't have to be. He wants me to rely on him. But how can I do that knowing you're in his house? How can I do that to him when he's needed you for much longer than he's needed me? Can he really have both of us? Can you and I really coexist through Saeyoung?" You huffed a laugh.

Saeran didn't look like he understood. You hardly understood, really. "But . . . but I want to try. I want to . . . I want to know the brother that Saeyoung loves so much. I want to know Saeyoung's other half, even if I'm terrified of that man. So . . . so I'm going to try. I'm going to try to look at you and not see that man who hurt me. Because you're not him anymore, are you Saeran? You're not 'Unknown' anymore. You're . . . You're Saeran Choi. And I'm . . . I'm . . ." You unclenched your pained hand and held it out to him shakily. "I'm someone who . . . I hope can become your friend."

Saeran stared at you. You saw him swallow. He didn't move to take your hand for a long time, long enough for your arm to stop aching. But you didn't lower it. You waited for his decision, your gaze unwavering. Finally Saeran glanced at your hand and took it slowly. It felt like Saeyoung's, you thought. You could feel the calluses on this man's fingers too from working for so long. The way he gripped yours was similar to his brother's, if more hesitant and weaker. You could understand that.

"You're a strange woman." Saeran decided as you two released each other's hands. He moved around you, and you stepped aside for him to be able to go to your door. He pulled it open and paused in the doorway to turn back to you. He didn't look at you as he murmured, "I hope . . . I hope your desire comes true." He left then, closing the door behind him quickly. You personally didn't think that sounded like Saeran was going to endeavor to make your life easier, but at least he didn't plan to make it harder. You didn't feel a whole lot happier, but you definitely felt the steadiest you had been in a while as you locked up your house again and returned to your bed. You stared at Saeyoung's sweet message on your phone, still unanswered by you. You closed your eyes.

Tomorrow, you decided, you would go to visit the brothers. And you would try to sleep over. You had missed sleeping in Saeyoung's arms. Maybe you three could watch a movie together? You didn't know. You had a lot to think about. You wondered how Saeyoung would react to learning how much his brother remembered. Maybe you three could talk about it one day.

For now you would sleep. You hoped you would have good dreams tonight.


End file.
